I was just finishing up cleaning the Head when Ted The Head came floating in. Coinkidink?
The door opened and this…thing floated on in. It perused the bathroom, floating in to all the stalls one by one, stopped to admire itself in the mirror, then exited. As soon as it had left, the door opened again and Dallas walked in. “Hey man” he said and walked up to a urinal.
He had a whiz and while he was washing his hands I blurted ” I know who you are!”
“Who do you think I am?”
“Saint Dallas” I said ” Patron Saint of Surfers”
“What’s that again?”
” I was in the forces” I explained ” I got stationed down on earth for awhile, protecting a village of natives from a local warlord. These natives were all pacifists and called themselves “Surf Hippies”. They lived mostly in the water, only coming on shore to eat and procreate. And it was there that I saw your statue.”
“My statue?” He was totally confused
” Yes Murray?”
“Can you recount the tale of Saint Dallas”
” Patron Saint of Surfers” she said ” Legend has it that he was out surfing in a place called Tofino in the early 21st century, when he saw a young surfer in distress. Witnesses say that he leaped off his board, flew through the air and grabbed the teen, flying him to safety on the shore, and then flew up into the sky, never to be seen again. During the great migration, Surf Hippies refused to go. They await the return of Saint Dallas, who will be riding a great wave, and will take them to the water world. Every surf colony has a statue that all surfers must touch for luck before going out on the water.” She paused
“Declared a Saint by Pope Elwood the 2nd in 2133”
Saint Dallas was staring at me wide eyed. I thought that maybe he was in shock. Then he started to chuckle. That chuckle turned into a huge belly laugh.
” OH. MY. FRICKEN. GOD!” he gasped, holding his stomach.
After a few minutes of laughing and hyperventilating, he finally got control of himself.
“Dude! that legend is so messed up!” He said ” Is there a place we can get a drink? I need to straighten this “Legend” out.”
” Let me put my shit away, and I’ll take you to the best pub on the ship”
We exited the head only to find the Captain and several high ranking officers waiting in the hallway.
“Is everything all right?” the Captain asked, ” We heard a commotion in there”
“Nope. We’re cool” Dallas said ” Gonna take a short break from the tour. Me and my new friend…..” He turned to me “Whats your name again?”
“Murray” I said
” Me and Murray are gonna go have a beer. I haven’t had a beer in several centuries apparently”
“This is highly irregular” The Captain glared at me.
” Chill dude!” Dallas said “Lets grab some grub at the pub”
“Here is what really happened” he said as Juliette dropped of our beers. The captain and his entourage were sitting on the other side of the pub, looking uncomfortable.
” Do you guys want some food?
” Oh man!” Dallas said perusing the menu. “Can I get a Beef Dip?”
” Certainly! ” she said ” Murray?”
” I’m good ” I said ” I’ll just stick with a beer thanks”
” She’s hot!” he said watching her walk away ” Is she dating anyone?”
” Focus. You were setting the legend straight”
” Oh yeah right” He gulped down some beer “Wow! I forgot how much I like beer!”
Juliette was flapping a bar towel at Ted the Head, who was floating around behind the bar. “Shoo!”
“Ted! Quit being an Ass Hat!” Dallas yelled
Ted floated over to us and hovered, looking not very impressed.
” So anyways, I’m living out in Tofino, working as a Barista in town.” He saw my befuddled look. ” Thats a person that makes specialty coffees.” I nodded, still not really understanding. ” On my time off I’d go hit the beach and catch some waves. So I’m way out there one day and suddenly this killer wave comes in. I get up on my board and start ridin’ this puppy when all of a sudden, I’m not on my board anymore. I am literally flying. Something is pulling me through the air, and I start freakin’ out man! I’m yellin’ and waving my arms trying to get someones attention, and then I saw that kid floating in the water. I zoomed right over him so i grabbed the shoulders of his life jacket, hoping he would weigh me down. Big nope! Now we’re both flying and yelling the kid starts flailing around and I lose my grip, dropping the kid on the beach. I keep going and get pulled up into the sky and in to this big ass spaceship.”
He took another swallow of beer. ” I wasn’t trying to save anyones ass but my own. I was being kidnapped by Space Aliens!”